The Lost Sole Protection Act:

1) We shall make no law respecting one laundromat over another.

2) A well-kept laundry, being necessary to the care of all cotton, the right of SOCKs to be kept and be DARNed, shall not be infringed.

3) No SOCK shall, at time of laundry, be quartered in any hamper, nor on the floor, without the SOCK's prior consent.

4) The right of every SOCK to be secure on their person, model, or drawer, against unreasonable bagginess and flappy foot, shall not be violated.

5) Every SOCK is guaranteed the right to a speedy and thorough cleaning.

6) Excessive wearing shall not be required, nor imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

7) No SOCK shall be discriminated against based on size, shape, color, or foot preference.

8) The welfare of every needy SOCK is guaranteed and said sock shall not be discriminated against due to its current circumstances.

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Friends...an epidemic is striking our society and we, at the Lost Sock Foundation, feel it our duty to warn you. Socks, yes SOCKS, are disappearing daily. One at a time. From every household. Across the nation. Our very SOLES are in danger!

The Lost Sock Foundation has recently been made aware of a conspiracy involving household washers and dryers around the world. Through some type of perverted lint exchange, dryers have begun converting our SOCKS, through a curious washing routine, to a right-foot belief, thus leaving all leftists completely out of the mill and encouraging their departure.

The Lost Sock Foundation is dedicated to the pursuit of these dejected Lost Soles and the equality of ALL socks. We will allow nothing to stand in our way. Right-foot extremists MUST be stopped. To these ends, we have adopted the Lost Sole Protection Act.

We are currently supporting the creation of a Bureau of Darn Control to regulate needles and threads, assuring that they meet all legal and moral requirements. Our socks must be protected from rampant stitch violence. We believe DARN Control is the answer. We are also supporting legislation to bring foot odor pollution to a minimum, as prescribed by the Environmental Sock Agency: "The breath you save may be your own".

We are organizing a March on the Washeteria to demand a recount of all socks, including those with hanging threads, puckered seams, or pregnant heels. We must recover our left-footed socks and assure the world's soles that each and every sock counts.

We ask for your help. Do not tolerate sockists. Fight against the right-foot extremists that seek to tear our pairs asunder. Speak out against stitch violence and protect the right of every sock to choose it's own foot!

*The Lost Sock Foundation is loosely affiliated with the Shining Shoes Association. In fact, very loosely. So loosely that you might could say there's no connection whatsoever.*